On the Cusp of Conversion
Ugh. Ah. Sigh. Oh well.
This is a very interesting time in my journey towards Judaism. I have finished most of the course requirements and am almost qualified for conversion. Just have to figure out how to read in Hebrew — it’s all in progress. I can read basic words. But on the CUSP of CONVERSION and not at all how I imagined any of it. I’m going through a period in life where I have been stripped of most of the aspects I have associated with my identity. My work life is in a vague undefined place, my financial status is literally non existent and well, I previously had perceived my Jewish studies as one aspect of my existence, but I find it has now become my central focus. It’s all I have right now. It’s my main source of stability and Judaism makes me happy. I guess it’s a good thing when starting from scratch. You need a foundation that you can build upon. My core will become spiritual and that totally makes sense.
Every Saturday that I go to temple/synagogue, the sermon is always relevant to where I am in life and I always spend Saturday (Shabbat) inspired. It’s just the rest of the week that has become one massive problem. I just don’t know what to do with myself… I’m a writer by trade, I guess. I’ve dabbled in most aspects of it – journalism, copywriting, screenwriting…and it’s not going so well right now. I never truly felt I chose to be a literary artist as I’m choosing to call it, I felt it chose me. I don’t know anymore. With my recent lack of success, I’m doubting everything. The choices I have made, who I am, who I should be. It has all become very unclear and my emotions have become riddled with doubt and fear. I’ve had moments of forced hope and optimism, but the absence of outcome cannot be ignored. There have been days recently where I’ve barely had the motivation to get out of bed. Thank-you to my loving boyfriend for dragging me out and forcing me to go to the gym (and for paying the rent and feeding me). But have you ever been depressed on a treadmill? It’s very strange. Anger and running go hand in hand. Depression and running — not so much.
As I prepare to meet the Rabbi to arrange the date of my conversion, I seem to be going through a range of raw emotions. I have been crying a lot lately. I feel like life has hit me over the head with a massive baseball bat, an accumulation of all the uphill battles leading up to now have taken an emotional toll. But if I can just get up one final time and make my way into that mikvah (a bath used for the purpose of ritual immersion in Judaism) maybe I’ll come out renewed and restored. It’s what I’m hoping for anyway. I feel like this conversion will be one of the most pinnacle moments of my life.
I don’t know if I’m a writer anymore, I don’t really know what I am anymore. I’m not a mother or wife (yet), I’m not a career lady anymore. I’m completely naked right now and the first thing I will become in my uncertainty of identity will be Jewish. I guess it’s all very appropriate. I tried to keep this blog light-hearted and semi humorous, but the mood has suddenly turned very serious. I’ll probably shed a million tears in that mikvah. I’m ready to shed all my old skins, wash away all the negative emotions, all the memories of bad experiences. Maybe I’ll even forgive myself. Wish me luck!
Song for inspiration – Titanium. Just replace the word Titanium with Jewish now. Well, soon to be.