Marriage…and Money Pressure!
Ugh. This is not how I imagined this blog post to be…but these blog posts never turn out how I imagine and really life is rarely how I imagine also, so what did I expect?
I was never prepared that I would be so unorganized and unprepared for life at this age and at this time in my life. Sure I’ve had setbacks, several. There was the time up in Lake Arrowhead, the immigration appeal that meant I couldn’t work for 2 years, the screenwriting which yielded no results, the economy, the acquisition, the job loss, the writing on spec. AND here I am engaged and totally completely unprepared for the next step – MARRIAGE.
Terrible thoughts have penetrated my psyche, like why didn’t you just try harder to marry rich dumbass. I mean I read Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility. Did I learn nothing from all my reading? But I love my fiance. And really I used to date men without university degrees or hope, so this is the best it’s ever been. New year, new expenses. I need a full time job or a miracle. I even said “NAME of someone who married rich” – she really lucked out…to my fiance. I’m turning into a B. I’ve been trying to postpone the wedding until I get my financial shyte together, but he’s not having it because my fallopian tubes are 34-years old and who knows if they even work. So wedding it is and weddings don’t pay for themselves. I never had much of a father and he won’t be contributing a penny to the costs, I’ve been draining my poor immigrant mother financially who works night shifts and insane hours and I can’t expect her to pay all of it. I’ve been working part time while writing on spec but it’s not cutting it. Why didn’t I just get that law degree? Did I actually think I was allowed to express my creativity as someone who comes from dirt poverty? Is it my naivety that has screwed me over? And then again, I’ll just find a full time job as an Executive Assistant or something along those lines that’s irrelevant but pays the bills and work hard and become exactly what I always wanted to avoid. I’ll put my children in child care and never see them, they’ll continue draining my resources, I’ll resent them, they’ll hate me. Cycle of poverty and resentent continues. Eventually I’ll finally be dead and relieved and someone will say, “She wrote a nice story once. It was never published, but it had potential.”
I’m getting a lot of pressure of, “You’re 34, time to get knocked up!” Which would be fine if I could afford it. How did this happen? I feel really disoriented in my life right now. There have been times when my career flowed smoothly, but never my love life along with it, and when my love life and spiritual life is in order, you’ve guessed it – here comes the financial career crisis! Career success & love have never coincided or been friends in my life. It’s one or the other.
I know, I’m losing my shyte. I never made that 5-year plan. I made fun of those people and now look at me. Then again I made lots of plans, they just never worked out.
That said, I’m not miserable. I’m just panicked right now. Maybe life is all about how well you can suck it up! So suck it up Evs!
That said, I’m engaged! My fiance proposed in Paris under the Eiffel Tower…then he took me to Israel. How romantic and beautiful.
Congratulate me, wish me luck, or just pray for me. I feel a little duped, here’s a ring, now fork over four times that amount for the wedding. Why is everything always ALWAYS a catch 22.
I so fear the future right now. I can’t imagine how any of it is going to work out. I’m just really freaken worried right now. Ugh. Oh and I just noticed the word fiance is very close spelling to the word finance. Makes sense.
One of these days I’ll write a fun light-hearted post entry that doesn’t involve me spiraling emotionally out of control. You’ll see.